The Uselessness of Modesty
by Aierselnen
Summary: Bilbo discovers that dwarves do not hold themselves to any standards regarding modesty. Shameless fluff. Don't go easy on me because it's my first fanfic- I want to improve!


Title: The Uselessness of Modesty by Aierselnen

Description: Bilbo discovers that dwarves do not hold themselves to any standards regarding modesty. Shameless fluff. Don't go easy on me because it's my first fanfic- I want to improve!

Rating: T for nudity, innuendos, and Fili and Kili's presence.

Disclaimer: If I owned The Hobbit, I'd be a very happy person indeed. Unfortunately, I do not- nor do I make profit from this story. All characters belong to JRR Tolkien.

Bilbo Baggins was not particularly fond of the sensation of mud squelching beneath his bare feet. It had poured all evening long- an icy, cold rain that stung his exposed skin and soaked through his clothes- and when the clouds had finally cleared, he found that he was not really better off for it. The mud settled quickly on any skin it touched- between his toes, in his foot hair, on his legs... Bilbo felt positively wretched.

Then there were the dwarves.

They plodded along easily in their typical rulers-of-the-wilderness-so-nothing-bothers-us fashion, which only served to annoy the Hobbit even more. They didn't have to act so... so... PROUD of it! It wasn't Bilbo's fault that he preferred to stay inside of his cozy hobbit-hole when it rained. Bilbo paused. Yes, yes, it was his fault, actually. Anyway, he pushed these thoughts to the back of his mind and tried to concentrate on the conversation taking place.

"We really ought to find a place to rest for tonight; it's miles and miles of plains in front of us, and I doubt that you really want us sleeping out in the open where we can be seen quite clearly. We can tackle that tomorrow," Bofur was saying to Thorin. It was true- if one strained their eyes they could see the vast area of grass that seemed to stretch on endlessly in front of the forest. The dark-haired dwarf King didn't look convinced, however, but acquiesced anyway with as little grace as possible.

"Fine." Bilbo mentally heaved a sigh of relief at the clipped sentence...er... word, and rolled his shoulders in anticipation of sleep. He took a step forward, and suddenly found himself face-planted in the mud only moments later. He pulled himself up, groaning (and also deciding that he didn't much like the taste of the foul stuff), as the rest of the Company looked on. Gandalf even had a little smile on his face, and the two brothers, Fili and Kili, weren't even making that small effort. They giggled and whispered together shamelessly, blissfully unaware of the murderous glare that their burglar shot at them.

A hand entered his view. "Well, Mr. Baggins," Thorin said, pulling the Hobbit to his feet, "You're lucky that there's a stream nearby that you can bathe in." The dwarf's lips quirked into a rare half-smile, not making him feel any better about his predicament. Another loud snicker erupted from the brothers, but this time Bilbo ignored it. He snatched his hand away from Thorin, subconsciously noting how small it was in comparison to the dwarf's, and stomped away, offended. He knew that he never should have run after them with that contract, he just knew it! Adventures weren't the proper place for a Hobbit anyway, and especially not for one as highly respectable as Bilbo Baggins. He was still mentally pouting when a place to stay for the night was decided upon.

It was a medium-sized cave, just barely big enough for everyone if they squeezed together. While everyone else was either rolling out furs to sleep on, or scavenging for wood and game to hunt, Bilbo discreetly slipped out of the cave under the cover of darkness and began heading towards the stream that Thorin had pointed out to him. He couldn't remember precisely where it was- he had been absorbed in his thoughts and hadn't payed a lot of attention to direction.

Scratch that, thought Bilbo. He hadn't payed ANY attention to direction.

Almost fifteen minutes later, he finally stumbled upon his destination. He pulled off his clothes, and after a quick look around to make sure that nobody had followed him, he removed his drawers also, adding them to the pile of clothes that sat a safe distance away from the water's edge. Bilbo sank waist high into the night-cooled water, and began to scrub vigorously at his muddied body. He didn't want to waste time by relaxing for a moment- everyone had probably noticed his absence by now, and would most likely send out a search party to look for him if he didn't return soon. What a situation that'd be, he thought, ears blushing a furious red. He didn't like changing just his shirt and breeches in front of the Company, and for them to see Bilbo Baggins, one of the most respectable Hobbits of the Shire, completely naked? He couldn't bear the thought.

He realized that he'd thought too soon as two twin splashes sounded directly to his left. He turned, groaning inwardly, and sure enough, both Fili and Kili were in the water and giving him dopey grins, naked as nameday. "Boys!" He squeaked, scandalised. "So-some privacy, please?"

They exchanged a look, and Kili clapped a hand on the Hobbit's shoulder. "We heard you sneak out, and we assumed that you were going to clean yourself. We followed you, because we figured that we've never seen a naked Hobbit before... and what better time to sate our curiosity than when you're bathing? You don't LOOK any different from us," he added, critically examining the Hobbit from head to toe.

Fili nodded sagely. "Yeah, either you left because you felt really dirty or else you and Uncle just really wanted to shag and you had to leave before the sexual tension got too high." He considered, and then beamed. "Wait, then you must feel TWICE as dirty!"

Bilbo suddenly wished that the water weren't as clean and clear as he glanced down at his body. "Just t-turn around! Clean yourselves, but keep to your own business!" He was mortified. Why, oh why, did it have to be Fili and Kili of all dwarves?! But he supposed that there was nothing he could do about it now, and continued to scrub himself clean while he mumbled angrily to himself, missing the peeks that the brothers were throwing over their shoulders.

When they were dry ("No, you two stay here! I'm... changing behind that tree!"), they headed back to camp. Bilbo's face was still beet red, and he was thankful that Fili and Kili decided not to mention the incident. At the cave, though, he wasn't quite as lucky.

All thirteen dwarves and Gandalf looked up expectantly, and before Bilbo could defend himself, Kili smiled brightly and decided to offer his own explanation.

"Uncle, Bilbo just felt really, REALLY dirty!"

END

Remember, don't go easy on me just because this is my first fanfic! Constructive criticism is warmly welcomed- once again, I want to improve!


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